Something happened to me the other day. I was watching an episode of The Real World and was struck by a very sobering fact: Every single one of those little bastards was nearly a decade younger than me. An entire decade! Survey says: I’m old.
At 30 years old, I’ve realized that there’s one phrase that’ll never come out of my mouth again: “When I grow up…” Well, actually, there are probably tons of things I’ll never say again, stuff like, “Damn, math is hard,” and, “I wonder what a boob feels like.” But the phrase to focus on right now is “When I grow up.”
That “when” I once spoke of, that mythical “when” I previously couldn’t comprehend ever actually arriving, is right now. I’m officially living in the “when.” And contrary to what one may infer from my Google search history (last week I looked up “Is dickhead one word or two?”), I’m actually a full-blown adult. As Vince Vaughn once said as he danced atop a table in a Los Angeles diner in Swingers, “I’m all growns up!”